Very Honest, Long Post Ahead!
I have struggled with weight issues for most of my life. After moving back from Paris, to the States, I gained a lot of weight. My weight gain continued through elementary school to high school. I am now towards the end of my first year of college, and heavier than I have ever been. College has been great, but all the late-night snacking, ice cream, and microwaved foods have taken a toll on my health.
This isn’t the first time I have wanted to lose weight. I have been pushed by my parents and doctors to lose weight, and I have struggled to lose ever since. I’ve tried diets, workouts, restricting calories, none of which have lasted. My senior year of high school, I came crying to my mom because I hated the way I looked. That day I found a nutritionist, and I was sure I would be dropping pounds like that. What actually happened was very unhealthy, and gave me extreme anxiety. I would lie about what I ate during the week to appear better than I was, I would not eat anything on the day of our weekly meetings to keep my weight down for the weigh-in, and after the meetings, I would binge eat until I felt sick. I found it so hard to stick to anything, and I was forming such an anxiety at those meetings I finally broke down to my parents to say I couldn’t keep seeing the nutritionist. Just a side note, my nutritionist was a wonderful, sweet woman, but I felt like I was disappointing her and my parents every week when I would see no progress. I felt horrible after I told my parents I wanted to quit, as they had both invested a lot of money in my nutritionist. I just couldn’t take the stress I was having over something I thought was supposed to be positive.
Summer past, and I continued with the unhealthy habits that I find so impossible to break. I would tell myself, “Ok, I’ll be better tomorrow” and would binge eat that night, but tomorrow would never come. Every day was a restart of my unhealthy habits. I started school, on my own in completely new place, feeling very alone. At this point, I needed to confront my mental health, and the effect it was having on my weight. I would be in my room most nights alone, depressed about being alone, and facing my anxiety of the future. This was the topic of many tear-filled calls with my parents (I know I cry, A LOT) as I had not found a consistent friend group. I was also feeling overwhelmed by my school workload (still am), and trying to find a job. All of this accumulated to long nights of emotional eating alone in my dorm room. I would go to Trader Joe’s and buy all the frozen prepared food, sweets, and snacks. At my dining commons, I would go to the fried, oily, and high salt areas, and I wouldn’t leave without grabbing a dessert. It had to stop. All of the food was making my acne worse and made me suffer from painful stomach issues. My self-confidence is at an all-time low, and my body is physically reacting to the garbage I was putting in my body. The only redeeming habit I found to have formed is working out. By the convenience of my dorm, I have access to a gym downstairs, where I started working out about 2-4 times a week. I have to say that this was a boost of confidence, but for the most part, my unhealthy eating got way out of hand, so whatever workout I did felt erased.
Now, as I write this, I realized it looks as though these problems were in the past, and I’m going to tell you how I lost 80lbs in just a few months. I’m sorry to say that’s not true. These habits I have established are still continuously an issue for me, and cause me to hate the way I look in a mirror. My school year is coming to an end in June, and I am finally deciding to log my journey. I recently weighed myself, and decided it was time for a change.
After coming to my college, I came in with plans to lose weight. I wanted to do it on my own, but I realize how hard that is. The school told me they had a nutritionist available for me to see, so I took advantage. My nutritionist was different than my previous one, as she is a body-positive, no diet nutritionist. I both love this, but I also think it is not helping me to lose weight. The conflict I am facing now is the body positive movement, and wanting to accept and love myself for the way it is, but I also want to lose weight because I think it can be harmful to me later in life. I have resolved to stay with my nutritionist, as she is someone I am comfortable with and I don’t feel like I am disappointing her. She wants to see me become a more mindful eater, and to enjoy my body the way it is. That being said, I am still resolving to lose weight, but different from my earlier tries. I don’t want to fall apart every time I eat too much, step on the scale, or look at myself in the mirror. I think my new resolution will be to go slower, and incorporate a balance.
My plan is simple. Create balanced, healthier habits. I never want to feel like I am starving myself because I want to drop on the scale. I want to enjoy food, and have a genuine love for healthy food. But, also in this plan, I want to occasionally indulge my cravings, just not as much as I was doing before. One of my sources of anxiety earlier this year was weighing myself every day. Every day. Morning and evening. Who would see progress at that rate? This time, I want to weigh myself once a week, keep a log, and forget about it. I am trying to be less judgmental of what is on the scale, as there are many factors that contribute to being healthy that don’t revolve around a number on a scale. The last way I want to keep in check, is logging what I eat every day, and honestly. I have done this before, but I have always changed them for people that were viewing the log, so they would be happy. This time, I want to log honestly, to see how much food I am taking in, and work on improving what, and how much I consume.
I know this process will be long, with ups and downs, but I am wanting to work towards a better, happier me. I am hoping to use this blog as a platform to track my progress, and to document my journey to having a healthier, longer, more balanced life.